March112009
What fire?! WHERE?!?!
President Obama recently announced that he would be lifting the ban on federal funding for stem cell research. After eight years of struggling with this ridiculous bit of legislation, scientists have finally been unshackled. I just don’t get it. I’m so confused about the misled conservative fervor against stem cell research, and how it became synonymous with all that godless baby-killing stuff. It’s like someone yelled “Fire!” in a crowded theater, and everyone panicked so much that they asphyxiated before they would listen to the guy telling them the fire was only on the damned movie screen.
The refusal to listen to reason is simply astounding. Stem cells are harvested from the test tube embryos discarded by the woman undergoing implantation. That is, the mother underwent fertilization treatment, picked the most promising embryos from the petri dish, and chose to donate the leftovers to stem-cell research rather than dump them in the bio-waste bin. If you’re freaking out about the destruction of human life, put a ban on in-vitro fertilization! No, stop running around screaming and trampling each other! Why aren’t you listening?!
There is no rhetoric in the stem cell process. I’m not aiming to convince anyone of anything when I describe the procedure. This is one of those things that if the actual process of stem-cell harvesting were explained to a thinking human, they’d realize that they’re asking IVF parents to carry all their successfully fertilized eggs to term, rather than transferring the 2-3 most promising ones and donating the rest. That would mean implanting, on average, eight embryos into the uterus. Yeah. Eight. (Please refer to Us Magazine for the feature on Octomom). No, nobody is having their future congregation members yanked from any pristine, God-fearing uterus. “Harvesting” is actually quite a misnomer. I promise, the embryos are already discarded! Pinky swear! Now do shut up, so we can give our best shot to curing cancer/diabetes/cardiovascular diseases/blindness/baldness/etc. Seriously.
Seeing as how the Christian right doesn’t seem to be shutting up about anything anytime soon, there must be a way that we can all live in peace, while doctors and scientists make the advances we need to be healthier. So, I propose this: we can draw a line that anyone can cross once they’ve calmed down. The folks who want to maximize the benefits from stem cell research can live on one side, and the people who oppose it can work themselves up into a frenzy on the other side, and we can all simply humor one another. Don’t worry, you can condemn us to eternal damnation; it won’t hurt my feelings, as long as you stay on your side of the line. I assure you that if our baby-killing ways end up curing Alzheimer’s, you’ll have no part of it. You won’t even have to know it happened!
While we’re at it, how about we draw another line for the people who refute evolution? When they come in for their booster shots or other vaccinations, we’ll remind them that evolution is a myth propagated by liberals and heretics. Remind them that indeed, they are right—the virus they were vaccinated against last time has not undergone any genetic modification, and is still the same virus. No new vaccination is needed! (I’m talking to you, Kirk Cameron.)
See? We can all get along if we just accommodate and humor each other’s beliefs. It’s perfect—I get to be the best doctor I can be, while the Christian right gets the blissful ignorance they’ve always strived for. No one’s scientific advances will corrode the moral values of anyone else. Well, at least I’ve done my part by throwing that out there. I know it will take a while for the idea to circulate and for more concrete plans to be made. In the meantime, I hope President Obama sticks to campaign promises like these, and that the opposition to science, intellect and reason gets out of our way.
I won’t let you trample me.
